Relationship with Mark and why I think it works for us as a couple:
Choosing to Communicate
I met Mark in a class I was giving in 2003. Three years later he attended my on-going Nonviolent Communication course and then four years after that we were married. From the start of our dating he was familiar with NVC language. That gave us our basic foundation but it was our clear intention in relationship that was the reason for our great communication. We committed from the first day of dating that we would have the courage to speak up if there was anything that kept us from 100% inner peace. No matter how insignificant it might seem, we would express it. The purpose was that we were doing this to nurture our relationship and that if one of us was upset, it affected both of us. We were vigilant in recognizing when old patterns resurfaced that would trigger us in present moment. We each had our history of how we handled discomfort, disconnection or conflict in our past. We agreed from the beginning that we would take personal responsibility for our feelings. Accountability was important to both of us as we did not want to blame or be blamed for anyone's unhappiness. Over time, this created tremendous trust and freedom as we could say anything and be ourselves. As an example, when Mark gives me "advice" I hear it as his love and contribution to me. When I am not able to hear it this way, I have many options. I can ask him if he is open to hearing what would work even better than advice right now or assure him that he doesn't have to do anything other than listen. The unspoken message is that he has not done anything wrong and that I recognize his intention.
Giving up my idea of how things should be
I can tell you that I literally chose to let go of how I thought relationship "should be" and embraced it as it appeared each and every new moment. At times this was a challenge because I was confronted with my own stuff over and over. Each time I worked through something, I was more available to myself and to my relationship. Miracles unfolded.
Speaking up and Trusting
We both (as I would word it) take direction generously. As an example, if either of us give a nonverbal sign to lower the voice while talking on the cell phone in a store, the response is generally, "thank you for telling me, I wasn't aware." When you experience everything through a filter of trust and you know the person has no intention of hurting you, relationship is much easier and more fluid. The best part is we both naturally acknowledge the courage and willingness it takes for the other person to speak up because we recognize that it can be scary and vulnerable. We also agree that anything said or done is for the health of our relationship. It is for US as a whole, not just the individual.
My biggest commitment to our relationship was to accept our differences and seek to bridge them. My strongest needs were autonomy and harmony and I was not optimistic that I could be in relationship and have both.
Mark has a fear of abandonment and my natural choice in conflict was to withdraw or leave so we were destined to trigger one another from the start. Working through issues over time created a history of trust and a pattern that we could rely on to get us through difficult situations. It got easier and easier to get to what Mark called spring rain. That beautiful, clear, fresh renewal after a good rain...we both loved this and would do our best to come to that place.
Anger and Passion
Because I was uncomfortable with anger, when Mark spontaneously got angry it was challenging in the beginning. I wanted to revert to my old habit of flight (triggering his fear of abandonment) After several experiences, I saw that he got over it quickly and I even found ways to connect with him through it if I chose to. I also began to appreciate his honesty and transparency in being upset and connected it to how passionate he is about many things and that this is just one of them. We are both sensitive and I am by my definition more emotional than Mark so it helped me to frame his expression of anger equal to my own expression of sadness. Maybe I would never understand why he would get so mad at whatever and he would never understand why I would get so sad but bottom line is that we both saw it as an opportunity to hold a safe space for the other by offering kindness, patience and care.
I believe that all disconnection is disconnection from self. Mark is my friend and lover and when I am disconnected or distancing myself it affects him (and vice versa) so we take the time to support and nourish our relationship because we intend to be healthy and happy for the next 30 years or more.
The Fun, Playful Side
What is effortless and a gift is our ease with one another, we love spending time together. We laugh ourselves silly sometimes at the dumbest thing and it feels so good (we can be more child than adult) We honor space for quiet. We are completely compatible sexually and appreciate one another's bodies. We committed to not ever going to sleep upset..we really do that, not just say we will.
I can honestly say, through our strong faith and spiritual foundation in God's Love, we freely give gratitude and appreciation from the deep well of our own Spring Rains.
And...as my friend Bob Kamm would say: Only one of us can be crazy at a time!
Great Advice.
Your comments or questions may be posted unless you request otherwise. Sherri
Giving up my idea of how things should be
I can tell you that I literally chose to let go of how I thought relationship "should be" and embraced it as it appeared each and every new moment. At times this was a challenge because I was confronted with my own stuff over and over. Each time I worked through something, I was more available to myself and to my relationship. Miracles unfolded.
Speaking up and Trusting
We both (as I would word it) take direction generously. As an example, if either of us give a nonverbal sign to lower the voice while talking on the cell phone in a store, the response is generally, "thank you for telling me, I wasn't aware." When you experience everything through a filter of trust and you know the person has no intention of hurting you, relationship is much easier and more fluid. The best part is we both naturally acknowledge the courage and willingness it takes for the other person to speak up because we recognize that it can be scary and vulnerable. We also agree that anything said or done is for the health of our relationship. It is for US as a whole, not just the individual.
My biggest commitment to our relationship was to accept our differences and seek to bridge them. My strongest needs were autonomy and harmony and I was not optimistic that I could be in relationship and have both.
Mark has a fear of abandonment and my natural choice in conflict was to withdraw or leave so we were destined to trigger one another from the start. Working through issues over time created a history of trust and a pattern that we could rely on to get us through difficult situations. It got easier and easier to get to what Mark called spring rain. That beautiful, clear, fresh renewal after a good rain...we both loved this and would do our best to come to that place.
Anger and Passion
Because I was uncomfortable with anger, when Mark spontaneously got angry it was challenging in the beginning. I wanted to revert to my old habit of flight (triggering his fear of abandonment) After several experiences, I saw that he got over it quickly and I even found ways to connect with him through it if I chose to. I also began to appreciate his honesty and transparency in being upset and connected it to how passionate he is about many things and that this is just one of them. We are both sensitive and I am by my definition more emotional than Mark so it helped me to frame his expression of anger equal to my own expression of sadness. Maybe I would never understand why he would get so mad at whatever and he would never understand why I would get so sad but bottom line is that we both saw it as an opportunity to hold a safe space for the other by offering kindness, patience and care.
I believe that all disconnection is disconnection from self. Mark is my friend and lover and when I am disconnected or distancing myself it affects him (and vice versa) so we take the time to support and nourish our relationship because we intend to be healthy and happy for the next 30 years or more.
The Fun, Playful Side
What is effortless and a gift is our ease with one another, we love spending time together. We laugh ourselves silly sometimes at the dumbest thing and it feels so good (we can be more child than adult) We honor space for quiet. We are completely compatible sexually and appreciate one another's bodies. We committed to not ever going to sleep upset..we really do that, not just say we will.
I can honestly say, through our strong faith and spiritual foundation in God's Love, we freely give gratitude and appreciation from the deep well of our own Spring Rains.
And...as my friend Bob Kamm would say: Only one of us can be crazy at a time!
Great Advice.
Your comments or questions may be posted unless you request otherwise. Sherri
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